Ask Dr. Padfoot
Sirius: Welcome to another edition of Ask Dr. Padfoot, *the* place to get advice on anything from grooming to relationships.
Remus: He's giving relationship advice? We're doomed....
James: Grooming? Some how I find that word rather apt, eh Padfoot?
Sirius: ....quiet, James "My Hair Grows That Way" Potter!
James: *grumbles*
I have a problem I have to ask you about. I think I'm attracted to my best friend, but we're the same gender. Is something like this really all right, and if it is, any good ways to tell them?
Sirius: How about a moonlight frolic? That always seems to work.
James: *raises an eyebrow* I thought you didn't frolic, so how would you know if that would work?
Remus: But he does frolic. When he's Padfoot.
Sirius: I have my sources.
James: Somehow I get the feeling that I've met your sources before, but I don't really want to consider who it is.
Sirius: *glowers at James for a moment* And to answer your first question, there's no helping who you're attracted to. Unless it's one Severus Snape. I'm pretty sure there's a tonic for that.
There's this girl... I think she's really wicked, but she seems to hate my guts. How do I get her to go out with me instead of punching me when I ask?
Sirius: Prongs, I thought I told you not to send me questions.
James: Who says it's me?
Remus: It's obvious.
Sirius: 1. You adore Evans more than life itself, yet she hates you all the way down to your molecules. 2. She snubs you whenever you ask her out, which is daily, last I checked.
James: Yeah, but she doesn't punch me. So answer the damn question.
Sirius: Okay, well, first things first, find out why she hates your guts and try to ammend that part of your being. Unless it's something superficial like hair or something. Then it's stupid to be hated over and you should find a new bird to fixate on.
Peter: In Prongs' case, there's nothing to do about what Evans hates about him. He can't help himself.
James: Thanks for your support, Pete....
Sirius: Then try holding off on asking her out constantly. Just be nice to her when you see her, try not to be obnoxious and fall all over yourself trying to impress her. Get her to like you as a person before you try to get her to like you as potential boyfriend-material.
Peter: Dare I ask if you have tested out this advice that you're giving out?
Sirius: All the ladies love me. I am merely repeating what I have witnessed. Or in Prongs' case, not witnessed.
James: I hate you all.
Remus: No you don't.
Dr. Padfoot, what products would you suggest to obtain that sexy, disshevled look that you pull off so well?
James: Now that sounds like you wrote it.
Sirius: I can't help what others admire in me. I don't write these things. I don't need advice from myself.
James: Well, then are you going to answer this person-who-is-not-you?
Sirius: I actually use very little product. My hair naturally falls in a rakishly disshevled manner like this. However, I would suggest a bit of gel to tame any unruly hair, rubbed in before you dry your hair. I believe there is a wide range of potions that control frizz and things, as well.
I keep finding my best mate sleeping in my bed in the morning. What could that mean? Does he like me, or is he just sleepwalking?
Sirius: Ending up in your bed, eh? Well, it could be either of the possibilities that you have already suggested. Have you mentioned it to him at all?
James: Actually, Padfoot's ended up in my bed once or twice after a late-night party. But I don't think he fancies me.
Remus: That's because he was drunk when he ended up in your bed.
James: Was he drunk when he ended up in yours as well? *raises an eyebrow*
Remus: *turns red*
Sirius: *ahem* Moving on... You're not my type. If I wanted to date myself, I'd have done like my mum and found a cousin to marry. Yick.
James: Thanks....I think?
Sirius: Anyway, your friend could like you and not know it yet, or not accept it for what it is. Let'im figure it out, but if you find that you have similar feelings for him, you might want to just act on it and see what happens.
How does one undo a tinking hex? I don't think going on a date with this would go over very well...
Sirius: Is this a Slytherin? If so, I'm not revealing how to reverse that.
James: You think they even know how to write emails? These are Slytherins we're talking about. They're not about to have email.
Remus: They don't know how to turn ON a computer, much less use one.
Sirius: *sigh* Alright, I've attached the counter hex for that to this response. But if your date made you tink, I would advise sending the hex right back at them. *grins*
Hey Dr. Padfoot, you need a study buddy? Studying for those exams can get lonely... *winks*
Sirius: Sorry, but I've already got a study partner. Not that I like studying, but this study partner makes it interesting, at least.
Peter: I thought we ruled out the propositioning when picking out questions.
James: And yet, I think Padfoot likes getting propositioned by random people. It puffs up his ego.
Peter: It doesn't need puffing up...
Remus: Tell that to him.
Dr. Padfoot, my boyfriend is being a jerk. How do I get him to stop it?
Sirius: How about a swift kick to the head?
James: I've been dreaming of doing that to you for ages.
Sirius: Only in your better dreams, Prongs.
Peter: I don't think kicking this guy will help much.
Remus: His skull is probably too thick.
Sirius: Tell him to bugger off or he'll have to find a new person to pester. I'm sure there are tons of guys that are better than him if he treats you like dirt.
James: Unless he is one Severus Snape, who has no social skills and treats everyone like dirt, even if he likes you.
Hey Doc, this bird is following me around everywhere and she's scaring me. What's the best way to make her bugger off?
Sirius: Okay, well, have you tried telling her you weren't interested?
James: Yes, well, that doesn't deter some of the more determined suitors.
Sirius: Evans could have told me that one, Prongs.
Remus: Maybe this girl is a fangirl and deserves to be avoided at all costs?
Peter: At least try to let this girl down gently.
Sirius: Unless she's a mean-spirited bird. Then you might have to get a restraining order. Or at least hex her to keep her away from you.
My best friend is dressing in tight clothing that just makes her look fat. Is there a way to tell her that she needs to dress appropriately and not like a streetwalker without making her extremely pissed at me?
Sirius: See, there is tight clothing, and then there is well-fitted clothing. The difference being that well-fitted clothing defines your body shape and covers problem areas. Tight clothing just shows it all. Now, if you've got it, flaunt it by all means, but you need to tell this friend of yours that she's probably scaring the boys away from her.
James: At least the ones that aren't looking for an easy score.
Sirius: Or the Slytherins.
James: They can be interchangable in this instance.
Remus: She probably is scaring all the boys. Would you really want to look at someone who's got fat rolls popping out of their clothing?
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